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30_caresses

RPS - Jenen Ackles/Jared Padalecki - #14 - scarlet, #17 - a simple request

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Jan. 1st, 2011 | 02:05 am
posted by: my_sam_dean in 30_caresses

Title: Re-Living the Past, Part 1
Author/Artist: my_sam_dean
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Fandom: Real Person
Theme: 14 - scarlet
Disclaimer: I own no one. This never happened. It's all fiction.
Warnings: slash, mpreg, miscarriage


Neither of them had ever made a conscious choice that they wanted kids. It never crossed their minds to even question it. It was something buried so deeply in the fabric of who they were that not having kids was never a possibility for either of them.

The first time Jensen became pregnant, they were still filming Supernatural. Jared went out and bought a roomful of teddy bears and had his freak out at home since they weren't ready to tell those at work. Jensen did a much better job at keeping the pregnancy under wraps. Jared was just too bouncy. Jensen told everyone on the set that they were not allowed to give Jared any more candy. His sugar highs could only contribute to him blurting out something they both wanted kept under wraps.

Jared wanted to tell his mother, but Jensen didn't. He didn't want anyone to know until they were certain that their folks would be open to the idea of them having a baby. A percentage of the male population was able to bear children and Jensen couldn't remember if Jared had ever told his folks about his status as a bearer. He told Jared to try to be subtle and check out his family's feelings toward the issue. He didn't want to walk into an angry haggle of Padalecki's if they thought male pregnancy was an abomination Being gay was one thing. A man being pregnant was another.

Jensen was stuffed with prenatal vitamins and vitamin B6 for nausea. The ladies in makeup made comments about how pale he was and told Jared to make sure Jensen ate right and maybe go tanning to make their job easier. Tanning wasn't going to be an issue because there was no way Jared was letting him near a tanning booth. Not that Jensen would want to go, anyway.

Their kitchen was stocked with herbal tea, crackers, Tums, and a supplemental nutrition drink. Jared had to get rid of the coffee and couldn't as much as brown hamburger with Jensen in the house. If Jensen even saw raw meat in the refrigerator, he'd start gagging and rush to the bathroom. Jared ate more than usual on set because he knew once he got home his choices were going to be very limited.

After his shower, Jensen stood with his hand on his abdomen and looked in the mirror. It wasn't visible from the outside, but he knew there was a baby growing in there. He didn't know it, but it became habit for his hands to wander down to his belly when he was thinking about the baby. It wasn't so obvious that the crew or fans were noticing, but Jared did. He didn't tease Jensen about it, though, because that was his favorite place to rest his palm when they were sleeping. It was a way to forge a connection with someone they hadn't met yet.

***

"How much have you actually kept down?" Jared asked through blurry eyes from the doorway of the bathroom.

"How am I supposed to know?" Jensen spit in the porcelain bowl. "It's not like I measure this crap."

"I read somewhere that if you're really sick with morning sickness, it means your baby is healthy."

"It was probably written by a gal who puked too much. Where did you read it at?" He looked over and wondered where Jared could have come across that piece of information. "Internet?"

"I bought a book," Jared blushed as he admitted it. "When I went out to get the bears, I picked up "What to Expect When You're Expecting"."

"You did?"

"Yeah." Jared grew defensive. "I thought I could be more supportive if I knew what was going on."

Jensen's eyes were still bulging as he stared at the tall man.

"Give me a break. I bought it for you."

"Why haven't I seen it then?"

"Thought you'd make fun of me."

"I'm pregnant and going to make fun of you? Let me see it. Maybe there's something useful in it instead of stating I should be happy to be puking my guts out every time I turn around."

Jared helped Jensen back to bed and took the book from under his side of the bed.

"This looks interesting," Jensen took it from Jared. "How about we go through this together?"

The two of them curled up in bed and took turns reading aloud about their future.

*****

Information helped their nervousness and Jared felt more included in the whole process. He was still the proud papa-to-be and each day inched closer to spilling the beans about the baby. It was difficult for him to contain himself and Jensen understood his excitement.

“Only a few days until our first appointment with the doctor,” Jensen beamed at Jared over breakfast. “What should we tell Eric?”

Jared chewed quickly and swallowed. “Can we just tell them what’s going on?”

“I’m only nine weeks along,” Jensen shook his head. “I don’t want to jinx it.”

“We’ll think of something. Maybe we can check around and find out what the tentative shooting schedule is. We could luck out that way.”

“Remember, Jared, don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t.”

“I mean it.”

“I promise.” Jared replied as he crossed his heart.

*****

They were filming a scene in a horrendous motel room when Jensen suddenly sat on the bed.

“Cut!” the director called.

Jared looked closely at Jensen and saw how much he was sweating. “What’s wrong?”

“I need to get out of here. Just get me back to the trailer.” Jensen looked into Jared’s eyes, “Please?”

“Can we take a break?” Jared asked the crew. “Jensen overslept and didn’t get breakfast this morning. I think he’ll feel better after he gets something to eat.”

The last thing Jensen wanted to do was eat, but he went along with it. He did his best not to lean on Jared as they walked to their trailer. Once they were behind closed doors, Jared’s calm facade disappeared. He scrambled to clear off the couch so Jensen could lie down. The bed was more comfortable, but he didn’t think the pained man would make it that far.

“What should I do?” Jared helped Jensen try to get comfortable.

“Hurts,” Jensen gripped his abdomen. “It hurts.”

Seeing his lover in pain tortured Jared. He didn’t know what was going on or how to make it better. Jensen wasn’t able to give him any information, his communication was limited to moans.

“I’ll be right back.”

Jared tried to stand but Jensen grabbed his arm. “Don’t leave,” he panted between breaths.

“It’s just for a minute.” Jared easily broke away and bolted out the door. He was thankful for his long legs when he ran to the medic center and found the one person he knew would leave with him without asking questions. “Come with me?” he asked her softly.

Even though he’d slowed his pace, his heart was beating out of control. The lady medic didn’t even hesitate. She snagged up her bag and tried to keep up as they hurried back to Jensen.

“Jared, what’s going on?” she asked when the trailer came into sight.

“I can’t tell you.” Jared choked on the words he was afraid to say.

“Can’t tell me?”

“It’s a secret.”

“It will stay a secret, Jared. I’m not going to tell anyone.”

Jared nodded and went right to Jensen upon entering the room. “Lock the door,” he ordered the lady. “No one else gets in.”

“Hey, Jensen,” she turned the lock and set her bag by the couch as she knelt by Jensen and took his pulse. “I’m Stephanie,” she took his wrist to check his pulse. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Jensen continued to act as though he was holding his organs in his body.

“Okay,” She kept her voice calm. “Jared, I need you to move aside. Can you hold Jensen’s hand for him?”

The tall man seemed thankful to have a purpose. He held one of Jensen’s hands that was still tight against his body. “Steph is going to help you, baby.” Jensen glanced at Jared with fear in his eyes.

“Did anything precede this pain?” Stephanie asked as she prodded Jensen’s abdomen.

“We’re having a baby,” Jared admitted. Jensen turned his face to the back of the couch.

“How far along?”

“Nine or ten weeks? We’re supposed to see the doctor in a few days.”

Stephanie ripped the laces out of Jensen’s boots. When she had them off, she leaned forward and placed a hand on Jensen’s wet cheek so he’d look at her. “I need to check, Jensen.”

“Don’t tell,” his voice was weak.

“Nobody needs to know about this but us,” Stephanie agreed. “Jared, can you grab me a couple towels?” She opened Jensen’s jeans and lowered them over his hips. Jared returned with a towels. She placed one over Jensen’s waist and under his body before removing his boxers. They had blood on them. She bent his knees slightly. “I have to look.”

Jensen’s face turned beet red and Jared was quick to lean in closer, block his view of Stephanie and comfort Jensen. She eased the towel back yet still allowed for modesty in regards to the front of her patient. It was his backside that she needed to be concerned with. His opening was smeared with blood. She gently inserted her finger and found a collection of blood inside.

She positioned Jensen in a natural position, once again covered up. “I need an ambulance,” she spoke into her radio. “I’m with Mr. Padalecki and Mr. Ackles. Stat.”

“Jensen doesn’t want anyone to know,” Jared told her.

“They won’t.” She tossed a couple items back into her bag. “You’ll help me get the stretcher in here and load it. You sit with Jensen and I’ll drive.”

“They’re going to ask.”

“Let them ask,” she brushed her hair out of her forehead. “Legally, I can’t say anything. You could tell them his blood sugar was way off and we brought him in to be on the safe side.”

In a blur of motion, the ambulance pulled up and two men jumped out. Stephanie and Jared took over control and brought the stretcher in. They made sure move the towels along with Jensen. Stephanie then ordered Jared to put Jensen’s boots on. When they covered him up with the blankets, no one could have guessed that he was undressed beneath them.

*****

Stephanie was an authorative gal. Within minutes of arriving, she had the personnel allowed to treat Jensen limited to those that she knew were trustworthy and a few that she couldn’t exactly vouch for but knew they weren’t homophobes. She was like a guard dog outside his door. As soon as he was settled into the exam room, she rescued Jared from where he’d been filling out paperwork.

Jensen had an IV and a stunning hospital gown. Jared tried to crack a joke about it being as awful as some of the motel rooms from the show but it fell flat.

“I’m scared,” was all Jensen had to say for Jared to wipe away his tears and hold him as he whispered assurances that all would be okay. That’s now the doctor found them when he arrived.

“Mr. Tristan,” the doctor read from the chart he held in his hand. “You’re about ten weeks along?”

“Yes.” Jensen shifted around uncomfortably when the old man peered at him.

“When did the cramping start?”

“Less than an hour before we got here.”

The doctor scribbled some notes. “Let’s get an ultrasound. It will only take a few minutes.” The curtain had barely quit swaying from his exit when he returned with the machine on a cart.

Two pairs of hopeful eyes stared at a screen they couldn’t decipher if their lives depended on it. The doctor moved the probe around and said nothing. Then, he grabbed the internal probe that was shaped like a little pole. “I’m not able to see anything, Mr. Tristan. This should give me a better view.”

Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand as the doctor removed the blanket and bent Jensen’s knees so he could see where to insert the wand. Even with the terrifying situation they were in, Jensen still felt embarrassed to be in that position. He’d only ever been like that with Jared. He wasn’t comfortable with anyone else being familiar with that part of him. At least the doctor was quick. He slowly removed the probe and set it aside. Jensen put his legs down and rolled onto his side. He curled up into a ball. The cramps were getting bad again.

“I’m sorry. I could not detect a heartbeat. I’m afraid you’re losing the baby. There is no way to stop the process but there are a couple ways to treat it. We can give you some medicine to speed up the process, and eventually your loss will be complete. Otherwise, we can schedule you for a day surgery and remove the material. It would all be taken care of at that point instead of having to wait. Just letting your body do its thing is also safe.”

“Surgery,” Jensen replied. “I don’t want this to linger on. When can I have the surgery?”

“If you stay in the hospital tonight, you can have surgery in the morning and possibly go home in the afternoon.”

“That’s what I want.”

Jared felt like he was being left out of the decision making.

“I’ll go set it up and get a room ready for your stay tonight.” The doctor wrote some more information down and left.

Jared was just about to open his mouth when Jensen spoke first, “I need you to get rid of the toys. Box up everything in that room, anything relating to being pregnant and store it somewhere so I don’t have to see it. I want it all gone by the time I get home.”

“Okay, Jensen. Anything you want.” He kissed Jensen’s forehead. “I’ll come up with an excuse for Eric, Stephanie would help with things like that.”

“Why did you know to get her?”

“You know how some of the cast and crew are very tight-lipped, while others blab to whoever will listen? There are also ones that act loyal but aren’t. Stephanie has always treated me the same. It didn’t matter if I was dating Sandy or you. She has a brother who’s gay and married to a bearer. They have a little girl. She’s not working where she is for personal gain or celebrity. She cares. That’s why I got her. We needed medical help, but we also needed a friend.”

Transport came and moved Jensen to his room. Once he was sleepy, Jared kissed him and made to go. Usually, Jared kissed Jensen’s belly when he left, too. With the situation changed, he didn’t know what to do.

“Here,” Jensen lifted his gown and placed his hand on his stomach. “It’s okay to.”

Jared bent over and pressed his lips to Jensen’s skin. There were pleas for a miracle and declarations of love passing through his mind along with the emptiness of loss.

He waited until he was out of Jensen’s room to cry.

***

Stephanie was in the family room on the surgical floor. She surprised Jared when she approached him.

“Thought you might need a ride home,” she offered.

“Thanks. What were people saying back on set?”

“They were worried about Jensen. They’re going to tell you that you have to make sure he eats before he comes to work. Clif offered to keep some breakfast bars or granola bars in the car in case you need them.”

“Nobody knows the truth?”

“They don’t need to.” Stephanie stopped outside Jared and Jensen’s home. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“He wants me to pack up the nursery. I know it was silly, but I filled it with stuffed animals the day I found out.”

“That’s not silly. You were excited and happy.”

“Look where it got us.”

“Teddy bears don’t cause a miscarriage, Jared. They can cause painful reminders, though. How long is Jensen in the hospital?”

“Just overnight. They’re doing surgery tomorrow and he should be home tomorrow evening.”

“I’m helping you out, then. You need to get some sleep and eat something. Point me in the right direction and I’ll pack like crazy.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know.” Stephanie laid her hand on Jared’s arm. “I want to.”

***

The crew accepted that Jensen would be out for a few days due to exhaustion. The guys did work really hard, so them being exhausted wasn’t very far off.

Jared tried to keep Jensen comfortable at home. He had some pain pills that he could take but had to eat with them or he’d get sick. At night, when Jensen throught Jared was asleep, he laid in bed and sobbed. When Jared moved closer to him, Jensen choked back his sobs. Realizing that Jensen needed to get his emotions out and didn’t want Jared to be an observer when he did so, Jared pretended to sleep.

During the day, Jensen basically moved from the couch to the bed. He closed the curtains if Jared opened them. He didn’t speak much and only answered Jared’s inquiries with short nod or sound. When the phone was for him, Jared was made to make up an excuse for why he couldn’t take the call. Their friends had heard that Jensen was ill and just wanted to check in on him. Jared made up a believable story for how Jensen could be doing.

After taking the dogs for a run, Jared came home and couldn’t find Jensen. He put down their food and water and left them there, chowing down. Taking the stairs two at a time, he looked in his and Jensen’s room. He knocked on the bathroom door, and it was empty. The only other room he could think of was the nursery.

He stood outside the door and took a couple deep breaths, wondering what he was gong to find on the other side of the door. This time, he didn’t knock. He turned the knob slowly and let his eyes adjust to the dimness of the room. There, in the far corner, was Jensen. He was curled up on his side, holding a teddy bear. Jared instantly felt guilty thinking that he’d forgotten to stash an item that could cause Jensen pain.

“I found it,” Jensen spoke up. “I know you packed everything away like I’d asked. I just needed this one item of comfort.”

“That’s fine.” Jared sat down beside him and put his arm around his shoulders. “Is there anything else you were looking for?”

Jensen shook his head. He gave a weak laugh, “I’m thirty years old and hugging a stuffed animal for dear life. How pathetic is that?”

“You just needed a substitute for me while I took care of the dogs.” Jared laid on the floor and reached for Jensen. The other man laid his head on Jared’s chest and wrapped around him as much as was comfortable. Jared closed his arms around the person most precious to him in the world--and his teddy.




Title: Re-Living the Past, Part 2
Author/Artist: my_sam_dean
Pairing: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Fandom: real Person
Theme: 17 - simple request
Disclaimer: I own no one. This never happened. I made it all up.
Warnings: slash, mpreg, miscarriage


Stephanie was in touch with them, checking in to see how they were until they were back on set. Jared couldn’t ever thank her enough for what she’d done for them. Jensen was grateful that Stephanie had handled herself so professionally and hadn’t leaked the details to anyone. She’d gone from being a medic at work to someone they could trust.

They returned to the set like everything was back to normal, but it wasn’t. Jensen wasn’t immersed deep enough in his own grief that he didn’t see Jared hurting. His easygoing smile was strained. Every morning he appeared more tired than when he’d gone to bed. Not that Jensen was faring much better, but at least he knew he could talk to Jared if he needed to. Jared just kept everything to himself.

Even with the barriers between them, they needed to be close to each other. Jensen craved the feel of Jared’s skin against his. Jared had just been waiting for Jensen to show any indication that he wanted to be involved in that part of their relationship again.

Lips slid messily as Jared cradled Jensen’s face and plundered his mouth as he’d longed to do. Jensen’s hands ran down Jared’s arms and up his back. Clothes were discarded on the way to their bedroom.

Jared’s fingers crept lower on Jensen’s back, going past his waist. Jensen jerked away, stepped back, and looked at the floor. “I’m-I’m sorry.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

Jensen shook his head. He moved closer to Jared and rested his head on Jared’s bare shoulder. Jared embraced him, waiting for him to speak.

“I can’t chance it,” his voice was filled with tears. “I don’t want to go through it again.”

“The baby?” Jared asked. “You don’t want to have children anymore?”

“Maybe. I think so. Right now it just hurts too much.”

“Okay, okay.” Jared laid his head atop Jensen’s. “We’ll figure something out.”

“I bought condoms,” Jensen whispered. “I didn’t want to tell you because we’ve tried for so long. But, I miss us. Are you mad?”

“No, of course not. If you’re more comfortable using them, that’s fine with me. If you want to avoid that kind of contact for awhile longer, we can do that, too.”

“I need you. I don’t want there to be anything between us but I can’t enjoy our lovemaking if I’m worried about the past repeating itself.”

“Just show me where they are, Jensen. I want to show my husband how precious he is to me.”

Jensen had tears in his eyes when he met Jared’s tender gaze. He kissed him softly and knew that the introduction of birth control into their marriage wasn’t going to be a problem.

***

The snow fell and filming broke for the holidays. They flew down to Texas and had arranged to spend a few days at each of their parents’ homes. Jensen had dreamt about being able to share the good news about a baby at Christmas, when he could tell his whole family face to face and see their joy. The knife in his heart stabbed at him more and more over their visit.

“Jensen,” Jared moaned as he reached for the other man. The holiday marked a time where they should have been at a different place in their lives. It seemed very important to reclaim each other and hold on tight to what they had.

The sheets were tangled and they had to be quiet because of the rest of the family down the hall.
“I don’t have . . . I didn’t pack . . .” Jared panted out when he slowed his hands down.

“What?” It took Jensen a moment to realize what had brought the end of their romance. “I forgot, too. I’d been so worried that we’d forget someone’s gift.”

“Can we?” Jared’s voice croaked. “I can pull out. I’ll be careful.”

“I know you will,” Jensen’s mind raced with concern but it was overruled by the passion pumping through his veins. “We can.”

Jared had a wide grin on his face as he took his husband to the height of their love. It was so much more intimate not to have a condom between them. Jared kept his promise and spread his seed over Jensen’s stomach instead of deep inside. Jensen felt a weight lift away. It was once again just the two of them and nothing in-between. It was how it was supposed to be and as it was before everything happened.

***

They were back on set, pumped for the second half of the season. Eric had several new ideas and theories that the writers were trying to get into the show. Kim wanted the episodes o be just right. He could be demanding when he needed something, but he knew how he wanted to present the show.

There were last minute script changes that kept the boys on their toes. The weekly guest stars added their own brand of uniqueness to the mix and the days were never dull. Jared was back to being himself and had started a prank war with more than one person in the crew. It was all done in the sake of fun, but Jensen didn’t have the energy to participate.

Jensen had quit keeping track of his cycle. After Christmas vacation, he and Jared never touched the condoms again. Jensen felt safe enough and believed in Jared’s ability to know his own body well enough to know when it was reaching it’s limit.

So, when Chad flew up to visit for a few days, Jensen stayed home and allowed time for just Jared and his friend. They had some weekend trip planned and Jensen wasn’t interested in going with. He was looking forward to a few quiet days at home.

“You sure you don’t want to come with?” Jared asked one last time. “I promise Chad doesn’t bite.”

Laughing, Jensen gave him a hug. “I believe you. Part of me just wants to sleep in and veg on the couch. You can go do all our hiking and outdoorsman activities.”

The pair was almost to the car when Jensen yelled, “Remember to take pictures! I’ll embarrass the hell out of you guys one of these days with what you get yourselves into.”

“Ha! Ha!”

“Funniest Home Videos, man. It wouldn’t be anything like acting, you’d just be your usual risky, stubborn, crazy selves!”

He waved as Jared pulled their SUV from the driveway and honked at him.

Back inside, he took stock of their kitchen. In the mad dash to pack their provisions, the crazy man had left the kitchen an utter disaster area. Jensen sighed and started the long process of putting their house back into place.

When he felt a twang in his stomach, he stood straight up to try to stretch his muscles out. When he could, he used a heating pad to relieve some of the tension. Soon he was doing all he could think of and it wasn’t doing him any good.

After a draining day, Jensen decided that a hot shower and bed sounded like a wonderful plan. Nothing real wild for a Friday night, but he’d never really been the type to go out and search for attention.

Their shower steamed up quickly and the warmth chased away any chill that might have resided in their double shower. He let the pounding water work the kinks out of his shoulders and attempted to lean forward enough for the steady stream to his back where it ached.

He had one hand on the side of the stall and was leaning against the wall when a sudden pain brought him to his knees. It wasn’t the worst pain he’d ever had, but it was sudden and meant business. Jensen sat on the tile floor, still enveloped in the steam and heat. As he clutched his stomach and wanted it all to just go away, he noticed the trickle of blood between his legs. He’d suspected that he might be pregnant but hadn’t told Jared because he didn’t want to cut him so deep again. Now, his body was rejecting another baby. They’d gone through the options for treatment before. Sitting alone in his bathroom, he decided to just let nature work it’s course. He cried and rubbed his belly that was aching at the loss of another baby so soon.

When the hot shower environment brought no more comfort, he dried off, dressed in baggy clothes and added the blankets from the bed in the spare room to his own. Buried under the extravagant amount of covers, Jensen settled in until he felt a safe cocoon between him and the world.

***

Jared was surprised to find Jensen in bed in the middle of the day when he returned home, but just figured that he hadn’t been joking about needing the extra rest. He stayed as quiet as possible in the house, not wanting to disturb his husband.

Suppertime had come and gone. Jared hadn’t heard Jensen move at all upstairs. He made a plate up and put it on a tray to bring it to Jensen.

“Knock, knock,” Jared said softly as he pushed the door open. The room was silent. Jared walked over to the nightstand and set it down. His eyes slowly adjusted to the dim light. “Jensen,” Jared moved covers to dig him out of the pile.

“Wha?” Jensen stirred when Jared lifted the sheet that exposed Jensen’s bare arms to the air.

“Hey, you,” Jared smiled at him. “You’ve slept the day away. I brought you some dinner.”

“No,” Jensen shook his head. “No food.”

“Why not?”

Instead of squeezing out the excuse that he wasn’t hungry, Jensen bolted from the bed and dry heaved into the toilet. Jared wasn’t far behind. When he turned on the bathroom light, he saw the drops of blood that Jensen had left in his wake. He ran back to the bed and turned on the lamp. There was a puddle of blood in the middle of the bed.

“Babe,” Jared rubbed Jensen’s back as he sat on the floor. “You’re bleeding, hon.”

Jensen’s body was no longer jolted along and began to shake.

“Do you know what happened?”

No response.

“Jensen,” Jared pushed his sweaty hair back and looked into his eyes. “What happened?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Jensen weeped. “I didn’t do anything.”

“What didn’t you do?”

“I failed. I failed you. I failed us.”

Jared was getting more confused instead of learning anything.

“I’m so sorry.” Jensen plead with his tear-filled eyes.

Unable to stand seeing Jensen in so much pain, he pulled him close, “You have nothing to be sorry for.” When Jensen seemed less upset, Jared tried again. “You’re bleeding, Jensen. Can I see where you’re hurt?”

Jensen just froze. He wouldn’t respond to any of Jared’s questions. Scared, Jared called the only person he could trust to take care of Jensen.

“Where is he?” Steph asked as soon as she was let in the door.

“Upstairs.”

“Has he said anything?”

“No. There’s so much blood.”

“Blood? From what?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t want to examine him in case I hurt him worse.”

“You did good, Jared,” Stephanie patted the worried man’s arm. “Lead me to him.” She entered their bedroom and the coppery smell. “Jensen?” she sat next to the man on the bed and set her bag next to her. “It’s just me, Stephanie. Is it alright if I take a look at you?”

He didn’t even blink.

“Okay,” she smiled for Jared’s benefit more than anything else. “Jared, can you turn on the additional light for me?”

The added brightness didn’t even make Jensen flinch.

Stephanie quickly checked his pupils and ruled out a head injury. She was disturbed by how still Jensen was and the way he didn’t shrink away from her penlight.

“I’m going to make this easier on you,” Steph rattled on as she dug in her bag. She produced a pair so safety scissors. “I’m going to take your shirt off, now.” She cut the material and Jensen remained deathly still.

Once removed, she quickly glanced over his torso and didn’t see anything that concerned her.

“Jared? Can you bring me a warm washcloth and basin of water? It would help me be able to see what the issue is.”

With a quick nod, he left the room.

“Jensen,” Stephanie whispered. “It’s just you and me here. I’m going to remove your pants and I think you know what I’m going to find.”

A tear slid down his cheek and Stephanie was sad that her suspicions were right.

She sliced the cloth and found exactly what she was expecting. “Oh, sweetheart.”

Footsteps came closer to the room and Jensen’s arm shot out to grab Stephanie’s.

“Okay, okay. I’ll keep Jared away.” He let go and she met Jared at the door. “I’ll take that.”

Jared stepped to follow her in and she blocked him with the door. “Can you give us a few minutes, Jared? I’m not going to let anything happen to Jensen.”

He looked unsure but gave her what she requested.

“Jared is downstairs. It’s just us. I’m going to wipe you off now.”

He laid there like a doll while she moved him around, methodically cleaning his body.

“Did you know you were pregnant?” she whispered.

“No.”

“Do you want to go in and see if surgery is an option?”

“Jared can’t know.”

“There’s no way to hide it from him, Jensen. He’s seen the blood. He’s going to ask what’s going on. Instead of making up a story, I’d rather he knew the truth so you both could help the other through this.”

“I thought it was going to kill him last time,” Jensen admitted. “How can I put him through that again?”

“I don’t think you have a choice.”

“You tell him,” he cried. “I can’t.”

“I’ll handle it. I’ll even plan on staying around downstairs in case either of you need anything.”

“Thanks.”

He was hurting so bad physically and emotionally and still polite.

“You’re welcome.”

She helped Jensen change clothes and tucked him into fresh bedding. He seemed to be sleeping or ignoring the world. She closed the door behind her as she stepped into the hall and wondered how to tell Jared.

***

“How is he?” Jared stopped pacing long enough to bombard her with questions. “What caused the blood?”

“Jared, let’s sit down.”

“No! I want to know what happened!”

“And I’ll tell you,” Stephanie promised. “I’d just like to sit first.”

Jared sat on the couch, his knee constantly bouncing from nerves.

“Jensen has lost another pregnancy.”

A blank look covered Jared’s face. “That’s impossible. We were careful not to get pregnant.”

“I don’t want to get into your personal life,” Steph tried again, “Was there any time over the last few months when there was even the slightest possibility of conception?”

Jared’s mind flashed back to that one night in his bedroom over Christmas. “Oh.” His face turned red.

“Jensen’s decided to let nature take it’s course. He doesn’t want to go into the hospital. He’s more concerned about you right now.”

“Me? There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m worried about him.”

“He didn’t know how you’d handle another loss. That’s why he was hoping to hide it from you.”

“He was going to keep it from me? I’d better go talk to him.”

He went to stand up and Steph stopped him. “First, I want to tell you about what’s going on. Jensen’s bleeding and cramping. If the bleeding gets severe or he gets a fever, I recommend bringing him in.”

“Why can’t I just bring him in now? It’s better to be in a medical facility, isn’t it?”

“It depends. Jensen doesn’t want to be in a hospital with others involved in your guys’ loss. He wants to do it in the privacy of your own home.”

Jared’s face crumpled. Part of him had hoped he could race Jensen in and the doctors could miraculously save the pregnancy.

“I have the next few days off, so I can stay here. I’m on-call but the other medics rarely call in sick.”

“Please stay.”

Stephanie nodded. “You can go see him now. Remember that he thought he was saving you from the pain of another miscarriage. He wasn’t trying to keep you in the dark.”

The large man looked small as he trudged up the stairs. Stephanie wished there was more she could do.

***

It took time for the couple to adjust to the second lost baby. They tried to tackle it together, but each of them grieved in their own way, too.

They healed in steps. They never really pulled away from each other, but they weren’t a close as before. After approaching their marriage with a light heart, fun sometimes childish dates, and flirting, they were closer than they’d been before.

Jared bought the condom stash so Jensen wouldn’t feel pressured into something he wasn’t quite ready for. Laughter returned with regularity to their lives. The world seemed brighter and their smiles more radiant.

When they were lying together in bed, naked with a sheen of sweat, Jared reached into the bedside table.

“No,” Jensen grabbed Jared’s hand. “I don’t want anything between us anymore.”

He was going to question Jensen’s decision, but he saw how much his husband wanted it in his eyes.

Jared kissed him gently and smiled. “Okay. I just need to grab the other thing.” He found their grape flavored lube and closed the drawer.

The first time was a charm and Jensen happily told Jared that he was pregnant a month later. Once the giddiness wore off, the fear and dread set in. No matter how many times Jared told Jensen that there was no reason to think this pregnancy would fail, Jensen was convinced that it would. Maybe he was trying to shield himself by not hoping for too much.

The doctor was pleased with Jensen’s progress and just before Christmas they hit the twelve week mark. In celebration, they went out to pick up gifts that said ‘Grandparent’, ‘Aunt’ or ‘Uncle’ on them. When they gathered to open the gifts, their families opened those special presents at the same time.

“Are you--” Mrs. Ackles started.

“Congratulations!” Mrs. Padalecki yelled as she flew across the room to hug them both.

Jensen breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that Mrs. P didn’t know he was a bearer until then and was taking it in such stride.

“She loves you,” Jared whispered in Jensen’s ear. “She’s probably trying to figure out how many grandbabies she can con you into having.”

Laughing, Jensen replied, “Let’s try one first and see how it goes.”

“Good idea.”

There was a room of ahh’s and coos as the blessed couple kissed as if they were alone. When they parted, Jared had a glint in his eye.

“What are you thinking?”

Jared leaned right up to Jensen’s ear before answering, “Trying to figure out how much time we have to spend here until I can take you upstairs and ravish you. I want to be polite and secretive.”

“Secretive? I think it’s already obvious we’ve had sex.”

Blushing, Jared said, “They don’t need to know we’ve had sex in their homes.”

“Does it really matter to you right now? I think we could excuse ourselves and the rest of the family would be too busy talking over plans for this baby to even notice.”

“We’re stepping out,” Jared spoke in the direction of everyone else but didn’t make his voice carry very well.

“I don’t think they heard you.”

“Does it matter?”

The two lovebirds sneaked off for some quality one-on-one time. Actually, they forgot to go back downstairs until morning.

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